First of all the karma thing is...Life is so depressing...I thought I will go in the rain...Like Ganesh in Mungaru male..Cry out...Feel lighter...Wash out my sins..Dilute the tears...God is so upset with me...Even it has stopped raining...No Monsoon this year...My mind is just like the sewage water.....So black..So stinky....So horrible....Just not able to write anything...its dirty..Like some oil sling on to the ocean water..
But I did not missed it out..When I went for a long drive with my friend on the sagar road from Shimoga...it was just so awesome...I had never seen a rain like that recently....Lush green..Cold breeze..scorpio blazing through that...Light music...It was so good..Only thing is I could not cry....
A human being with these many tensions should survive or not...education loan to be paid for 6 months, income tax to be filed, vehicle insurance pending, Dad not feeling well, sisters surgery in Bangalore, Go to office at 7:30 AM and come back at 11:30 PM...House construction, arrange everything for that from bricks to wood to stone, heart break, Love failure, Depression, a news that the girl who dumped me in my life 3 years ago delivered a baby boy.....someone elses marriage.my tears...two personal loans to be cleared..house loan not getting approved...Searching for political influence, going from this bank to that bank...like a beggar....No breakfast...no dinner sometimes..pressure on project....additional pressure that I am a contractor here in Infineon....Going to office on my bike..pulling the accelerator for 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the night...In all these, see girls photos my parents would send...decide on my life partner....when I dont know what my life is going to be tomorrow....Phew!!! These are only few....
I would have run away from this life...I thought all day ..all night..........
I remember one dialogue from jab we met...isse bhura aur kuch nahi ho saktha?? from now on if something can happen..it would be good...trying to be positive......Will tell you all when all these problems are solved...and I return back to peace...A world when I get up in the morning.....and try to live..........Hoping that would come fast...
As usual some scribbling....
Sometimes I wish I could just fade away
and forever leave this earth
I shed my tears as the day goes by
and in the night
only stars hear my cries
swiftly down my cheeks
my tears turn to blood
I cough and laugh and scream and cry
hoping my tears will go dry.
This pain I feel
it's in my chest and never goes away
I wait all night and through the day
but never does it fade.
I look into the mirror...
and wonder "Who am I?"
Am I the brave warrior they say I am
or should I go on and cry?
I put my hand onto my chest..
and I don't feel a thing
I think my heart skipped a beat
it doesn't dance or sing....
I take the phone from my side...
and throw it far away
I don't want to see your snap in that or ur old messages..
when you're not here day by day.
All I want is to hear that voice,
the one that keeps me calm,
the one that whispers softly
"I love you and stay strong...."
On these days of pain and loneliness, days of madness, days of sadness, my mind goes back
to one of those evening in which, under the infinite sky, I held you in my arms. Those thoughts give me hope and strength on these days of sorrow....I live to see it one day......
Love,
Shashank
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